Ramblings From my Heart....

Normally when I blog, I talk about things in a more vague, broad nature---life, love, relationships, etc. But, something spoke to my heart in a way that can't be blanketed, that must be expressed exactly in the way I feel about it.
I am really broken up about leaving my job. It really hurts me to my core to have to come to terms with leaving these children and this environment that I have grown to love. I was on an interview today, and when I was asked about myself and the work that I do, the interviewer noted how brightly I responded about the work being done with my kids and how much I enjoy working where I do and doing what I do. That's when it really hit me: I totally do not feel ready to go. When asked by others why I'm looking, I can come up with tons of PC reasons: I need a change; ready to move on; even location. Fact is none of that is true. I would stay another 3 years. For the salary they hired me on, too. But, it's not up to me. I have to leave because the administration doesn't like me. It's seems childish yet adult at the exact same time: you have to be able to play The Game sometimes. Instead of being valued as a qualified adult and asked to speak my mind, I am supposed to grin and bear it and fall in line with the more "liked" people. It absolutely feels like not only working in high school but being high school, where you get the highest praise and the most reward for following the popular crowd. You get the "in" but instead of being at parties and sitting at the cool lunch table, you get to have your opinion be valued and play a bigger role in the work being done for the students and the school.  While others are coddled and swathed in the cover of immunity, I am on the outside looking in at the chosen ones as they are allowed to blaze their own paths. It's painful to watch, but not for the humanistic primal reasons one might think (although they are there, too), but because it's so tough to stifle your passion for something you have wanted to do for so long. It's hard to have to smile through the pain of not being treated equal to others based on a difference in personality. It's hard to see others rewarded while you are continuously pushed further and further into a corner. How ironic is it that I have to sit in all these "team" meetings (Social Work, Intervention, Be the Change, High School, etc.) and yet I feel like the unwanted member of the squad. You tell me one athlete who feels supported and united with the team when their coach and GM are always doubting their performance and constantly threatening to cut them. I couldn't think of anyone who would feel welcomed in an environment like that. Real teams support each other, and work together for the greater good. It's even tougher when your passion for this work is so palpable, and everything you are attempting to do is not only to be successful as a professional, but be successful for the students.

This whole experience makes not only my work suffer, but my own personal worth takes a hit as well. How could I possibly be good at what I do if no one at my job thinks so? If the person hired to supervise me and the person who hired me sees these things, surely I must not be seeing what they do. I must suck! Having to confront that while still looking my students in the eye and teaching them life skills was enough to drive me to start sending out my resume. But, going through the experience of leaving my kids forces me to teach them one of the biggest life lessons of all: change is constant, and it doesn't have to be scary, easy, or bad. It can be a new beginning. Being forced to step out into a new path can actually be just what my spirit needed: a wake up call, a reminder to face another challenge to prove how strong I really am.

So, even though it brings me to tears to think about missing my babies' continued college acceptance letters, helping with their fundraising activities, planning and attending their senior trip and prom and seeing them all on that stage at graduation, I know the best lesson I can teach them is to not be bitter, not hold grudges, and don't be angry, but to be grateful for everything that brought us to that moment, and be proud of the work that was already done. Because when the tears dry and the pain of loss fades, the good memories live on. To my class of 2014, and to my class of 2012, my sour patch babies, I love you.

December

It's been such a long time since I put any thoughts down on my blog! And, not for lack of thoughts, but more like lack of time. Trying to balance so many plates at one time usually means one or two fall by the waste side. I hate resolutions, but I....resolve to put more of my thoughts on this blog to share.

This post could be about a lot of things-a recap of my year, a hope for the promise of next year, a love letter/thank you note to all that matter to me, but honestly, I wanna write something to the month of December.

This is my favorite month of the year. And not just because it's my birthday month. Although it's cold out and there's usually snow in NYC, the month of December gives me a warm feeling like no other. December 1st has always felt like a New Awakening for me, and I always feel like a little piece of who I am is so different 31 days later when the month ends. If a month can move that much progress in me, surely you can understand why New Years resolutions and things seem to be too much, lol.

As a city girl, the whole place is buzzing with people and noise and holiday music and beautiful lights. There are new delicious holiday treats and drinks (don't judge me) designed to fill you up and warm your heart. People are preparing to spend time with the people they love the most in the world, and laughter is shared and new memories are made all month long.

The past few Decembers haven't been some of my all time best, but even when I was at my saddest point, I couldn't resist listening to a little Christmas music, stopping to see decorations in different areas of the city, and even watching children take pictures with Santa Claus. It all brings back memories of sweet days gone by. This year was the best out of the last 3 Decembers, and I think that signals a change in myself. Not for the better. Just for the manageable.

People always say the past year was like a roller coaster but for me, it really was! I felt like I was on Kingda Ka out here in '11--I was up, then stable, then down, the low, then LOWER, then stable, then low again, and finally stable till I reached a manageable high for me. It wasn't easy, but at least towards the end I was able to enjoy the ride.

So, on this last day of my favorite month of the year, I look back on some of the things that gave me the perspective I plan on taking forward for the next 11 months of my rebirth--the highs and lows of my job, my successes with my students, the bonds I have made and cultivated with good new friends and kept with great old friends, the growth and learning process I am on regarding my romantic relationships, the dedication and resolve I have shown stepping out of my comfort zone a little more, the work that I have put in to add fitness to my life more often, and the maturity I have acquired on my way to celebrating my 30th birthday last week. I may not have had everyone with me that I wanted, but I enjoyed my day immensely still. All of these things helped me prepare for another year of whatever may come-good, bad or indifferent.

So, December, I bid you farewell, and await my stories on growth and maturity in the months to come.

Happy New Year!!!

Hearts Are Like Doors in That Way....

Some people think vulnerability is easy to detect. If someone is crying, frustrated or showing any deep level of emotion, it is taken to mean that they are open enough to express the affairs of their heart. But, what if showing vulnerability doesn't manifest itself in those ways? What if it's simply in an act of kindness, in doing one thing differently today than your would have yesterday, when your heart was a little more closed off, a little more colder than it is today?


Often times, we look for big signs to determine that things are changing in the world around us: leaves changing, temps dropping and sunlight depleting are the things we need to notice Fall is in the air. We never notice the subtle signs of summer leaving us until it's all but gone. But, if we perhaps ever really stopped to notice all around us, it might be apparent in mid-August that the seasonal change is truly upon us. I suppose it is the same way in relationships. Huge declarations, gifts and proclamations are what we look at to determine the milestones in our lives. But, what about those little moments, you know, the ones we take for granted? Aren't those the signs that big changes are upon us, the people around us, or perhaps even ourselves? Aren't their small ways to show that our own hearts are warming, even if it's just a little bit?

Sometimes, a door can't go from completely open to completely closed. It has to be unlocked, the knob has to be turned, and sometimes it has to crack open, ever....so...gently...until you notice that it is fully open again, ready to be walked through.  Hmm.....I guess....

It's been a long time...

It's been a while since I've blogged, and not for lack of ideas, but moreso for lack of time. Now that school is back in, I've been running through the gamut of emotions, from happy to excited to thoughtful....then tired, sad and scared. It seems as though this year is going to be a challenging one for me, and definitely a learning experience.

Ay yo Sexy...

This post may seem like more of a ramble than a story, but here goes:


 Last Sunday, after a particularly sad lunch, I found myself in Union Square running errands. As I passed by a group of men, I heard a few of them saying the usual: "Hello miss. Ooh, you so sexy. Heyyy mama." Already sad, pissed, hurt and vulnerable, I went past them into the store, knowing I would see them on my way out. After I made my purchases and headed back out into the rain, I braced myself for the cat calls. In recent years it seems as though women have had to learn to brace themselves and be prepared to be addressed when passing men (of any age). But this time, instead of quietly walking by and holding in my disgust, I turned to the main offender, stopped in my tracks, and stared at him. He was a bit taken aback at first, but then finally, he continued the cat calls directly. As I stared at him, I asked him what he was doing. To which he responded, "I'm just tryna tell you that chu look goood, mama! You sexy!" I thanked him for his compliment, and even informed him that I appreciate the acknowledgement, since I work hard to look good, but I also asked him if there was possibly another, more respectful way to show his appreciation. He stared at me, bewildered almost, and confused. "But...i jus wanted you to know that you look good...I ain't mean no harm by it sweetheart...I was jus tryna compliment you....." he trailed off. I asked, "And, I understand what you were TRYING to do, but do you know how uncomfortable that is from MY perspective? How many women do you think have to brace themselves before walking through a crowd of men, for fear of being treated like a piece of meat? Why do you think I'm wearing headphones?"


After my mini monologue, he and his friends looked at each other, nodded, then looked back to me solemnly. The ring leader then said, "I can see that. I'm sorry.....I didn't even think of it that way." As I thanked them all for listening to me respectfully, I walked away feeling a little lighter, and even a little encouraged.

Imagine if every young girl/woman who felt disrespected in one way or another found a way to get the boys to understand how they felt, how unflattering and even hurtful it is to be treated like a piece of meat. In fact, a week and a half ago there was a blog on Essence.com about this very thing Seen here. And, it just got me to thinking-wouldn't the world be a better place if we could start training our young boys to treat women/girls with more respect? And, if we teach our girls that they don't have to stand for any form of uncomfortable behavior-in relationships or in the street, gradually our boys and men will have no choice to treat us with nothing but respect at all times. Now, that's sexy.

All My Single Ladies.....?

Bear with me people, I am having a moment. I am hating being single right now. It actually just hit me, about two hours ago while I was washing my hair. Actually, it truly hit me a few hours before, while I was out. I was in one of those big "Whole Foods"-y like stores that have begun to pop up all over Brooklyn now, and I had a flashback to me and my last boyfriend going to one of those stores to buy ice cream and fresh fruit and healthy snacks to combat the ice cream. It was a fleeting pang, and it went away fairly quickly. But, later, when I got home, another wave of sadness hit me. I don't know what it was about washing my hair that made me hate being single, but something in that moment did. Then, as I come out to dry my hair and clean up my place a little, what video do I see on MTV? You guessed it, "Single Ladies". I couldn't make this shit up. LOL

I've had conversations with friends in the past about how much a abhor that video and song. Beyonce really did a number on chicks, getting them to think that if they swing their right hand sassily in their mans' face he will in fact "put a ring on it". Simply because he likes it. Ha ha ha, oh, if the world was just that simple! Fact is, most of us don't have the luxury of being in a relationship with a 40+ year old rapper who is ready to settle down with one of the most successful women in the world. We are regular goddesses, living our regular glamorous lives trying to keep everything all together. There are plenty of men who might like it, but they are not ready to put a ring on it.

But, I'm not looking for all that anymore anyway. Fact is, it just kinda sucks spending 60 percent of your time alone. And aside from family, best friends and new experiences, at some point there are moments when you realize that you are by yourself. Now, there are plenty of times when I embrace this feeling, and I welcome being by myself and enjoying my own company (blog on THAT coming soon), but tonight, I just felt the pain of the lonlieness.

More so than missing the EX I think I'm just kinda missing being a part of a couple, which I think is something we all go through. What's so great about that damn song is that everyone sings along to it, and when you do you feel like you're a part of a sorority of women who all feel the same way you do. It's kinda like what it's like to be in a relationship, a part of a special group with inside jokes, special foods, places and memories you share with that one person. But, when all that ends, what do you do with all that relationship stuff? What is the best way to deal with those feelings? Getting over any relationship takes a while. Riding out the pain of figuring out life after a loss is tough. And, I should know, since this is my second loss in two years. I suppose the thing that helps the most is keeping busy, embracing the good feelings with the bad, and working through them whenever possible. I just wish Beyonce didn't try to make us single chicks feel better with that catchy ass song. *sigh*

Maybe if I get this out of my head I can sleep........

Last week while I was out, I met a gentleman who informed me that he had a blog on relationships. So since I've just started out in this blog world, I figured I'd check his out. Turns out, he had a blog post entitled "A Wall of Emotion" (check it out here) where he talks about a very common theme....the walls we put up after we get our hearts broken. It's a remarkable post, and it got me to thinking about me and my life and my current situation. To say that I have a wall up would be a tremendous understatement. There is an entire gated community surrounding me right now, with no indication of moving. We've all been in this situation before, and it's never easy.


Most people after they get their hearts broken say that they'll never love again, they'll just throw themselves into work or family or something, ANYthing, that doesn't make them feel as bad as they do at that moment. But, usually, they become introspective, find and immerse themselves in hobbies, and one day, they'll find that their hearts are open again and as India sang, Ready for Love.


As I stated, I'm just entering the middle stage of my "wall process". Sadness is slowly moving out of my heart as anger is moving in and settling in for the long haul. Bitterness is rooming with anger, but it's in a "rent with an option to buy" lease, and for now, I'm okay with that. I'm a firm believer in feeling your emotions, and living in them, no matter what anyone else thinks about them. If I want to be bitter for 6 months, that's my right. If I want to hate my ex for 5 years, I will. There's no rule book on this stuff. Even though I'm fully aware that in a lot of cases holding on to these emotions get in the way of healing and moving on, I believe in exhausting all of your hurt, sadness and pain, so none of it becomes repressed and pops up later on. Sometimes, when we know it's time to move past these feelings and we can't, a good support system in our lives helps us get through.


I think what I need to work through is figuring out what happens next for me. Some days, I'm SO good, and I'm so past him and his bullshit, and I'm so confident. And other days I'm lost, wondering how shitty of a person was I that someone could fall out of love with me. Until I find some sort of clarity, my emotions are just gonna be clouded, and I somehow have to make peace with that. After all, I'm only human, and it's not as if I don't have good days, good family and good friends around me for support.


I'm rambling, and I have no idea where this post is going, but getting back to the blog posted earlier, I'm not sure I can every really remove my walls again.I may be able to put all the hurt behind me, but I can't see myself wanting to go through another relationship again. People say that I'm young and time heals all wounds, and while all that is certainly true, I feel like it would take a lot to get me back out on the line. I'm not afraid of being vulnerable and giving my all to someone. I've proven on many occasions that I can do it, and at times I've even enjoyed it. So, that's not really the issue. I'm just afraid of what someone would do with my all once they have it. It's that uncertainty that I think will cause me to never get back on that ledge again. That last fall left too many bruises for me to want to attempt another jump.