Last week while I was out, I met a gentleman who informed me that he had a blog on relationships. So since I've just started out in this blog world, I figured I'd check his out. Turns out, he had a blog post entitled "A Wall of Emotion" (check it out here) where he talks about a very common theme....the walls we put up after we get our hearts broken. It's a remarkable post, and it got me to thinking about me and my life and my current situation. To say that I have a wall up would be a tremendous understatement. There is an entire gated community surrounding me right now, with no indication of moving. We've all been in this situation before, and it's never easy.
Most people after they get their hearts broken say that they'll never love again, they'll just throw themselves into work or family or something, ANYthing, that doesn't make them feel as bad as they do at that moment. But, usually, they become introspective, find and immerse themselves in hobbies, and one day, they'll find that their hearts are open again and as India sang, Ready for Love.
As I stated, I'm just entering the middle stage of my "wall process". Sadness is slowly moving out of my heart as anger is moving in and settling in for the long haul. Bitterness is rooming with anger, but it's in a "rent with an option to buy" lease, and for now, I'm okay with that. I'm a firm believer in feeling your emotions, and living in them, no matter what anyone else thinks about them. If I want to be bitter for 6 months, that's my right. If I want to hate my ex for 5 years, I will. There's no rule book on this stuff. Even though I'm fully aware that in a lot of cases holding on to these emotions get in the way of healing and moving on, I believe in exhausting all of your hurt, sadness and pain, so none of it becomes repressed and pops up later on. Sometimes, when we know it's time to move past these feelings and we can't, a good support system in our lives helps us get through.
I think what I need to work through is figuring out what happens next for me. Some days, I'm SO good, and I'm so past him and his bullshit, and I'm so confident. And other days I'm lost, wondering how shitty of a person was I that someone could fall out of love with me. Until I find some sort of clarity, my emotions are just gonna be clouded, and I somehow have to make peace with that. After all, I'm only human, and it's not as if I don't have good days, good family and good friends around me for support.
I'm rambling, and I have no idea where this post is going, but getting back to the blog posted earlier, I'm not sure I can every really remove my walls again.I may be able to put all the hurt behind me, but I can't see myself wanting to go through another relationship again. People say that I'm young and time heals all wounds, and while all that is certainly true, I feel like it would take a lot to get me back out on the line. I'm not afraid of being vulnerable and giving my all to someone. I've proven on many occasions that I can do it, and at times I've even enjoyed it. So, that's not really the issue. I'm just afraid of what someone would do with my all once they have it. It's that uncertainty that I think will cause me to never get back on that ledge again. That last fall left too many bruises for me to want to attempt another jump.
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