First, I'd like to say that I think it's so cool that I'm blogging while playing Jill Scott and Beyonce's new albums (not simultaneously, obviously). They are both really speaking to me right now.
Snakes and Scorpions. This came from my pastor's sermon yesterday. She got this from a reading from a story in Luke Chapter 10. As soon as she described what a snake was, I immediately felt like I could relate. I forgot her description of the scorpion, because I was so taken by the snake metaphor. It seems as though I'm dealing with two snakes at the moment, one personally and one professionally.
My professional snake is only going to make my work harder this next school year. I tend to be really lax when it comes to being really brash and overly aggressive, and I tend to let things slide more than I guess I should. Next year is going to be a challenge for me. To really keep up with my paperwork, be accountable for my actions every step of the way, and to really focus on not just working with my kids, but improving my practice on a whole. It's a challenge, and although I'm lazy, I feel like it's time for me to step up to it. Of course, that has something to do with my personal snake...
I'm gonna have a lot more time on my hands this fall. Being single does that for a girl. And, as much as I prided myself on not being one of those chicks that needs a man or laments being single, I miss my security. I miss always having the option of seeing movies, going to restaurants and making plans with a person. And granted, while I have learned the value of branching out, making great friends and having great moments with fabulous other people, I still miss it. I got spoiled. By a snake. He was sweet and all, but still a snake. I was sold into a sense of someone being there with me for the rest of my life, no matter how rough it got (and I DID make it rough). That in turn is what makes a snake. And, even though I also played a hand in how things played out, I feel like I the person I thought I was with was not the actual person in my life all that time. It couldn't have been. But, by going through all this I had to learn the hard way that the only truly dependable person I have is me. And that means that sometimes I have to make really difficult decisions and place myself in situations that may make me uncomfortable, sad, and even lonely at times. But, it's the direction my life is in right now. So, for every time I crane my neck to miss something behind me, I throw three things in front of me to keep me facing forward. Cause that what I have to do now. Move forward.
I sometimes wonder if my anger will one day subside, if I will ever see things differently. Whether or not I want to is not really the case, but I just wonder if my mind and heart will one day have a different view on this time in my life. I do know that my anger often changes it's focus, and my emotions get so clouded up in me that I can't breathe sometimes. It's a crazy why to feel, but it is where I am right now. On Saturday, I did a Romantic-Comedy double feature by myself because I knew that seeing those movies would stir up stuff in me, so I kinda wanted to be alone to work through it (Plus, I wanted to eat my popcorn without sharing or being judged-another surprising bright side of being single). And, just as I thought, both movies made me think about my life, my choices, and my future. And, in the middle of all that musing, I realized I was walking in yet another neighborhood that my mother exposed me to first, and I yearned for those days again. When my life was simpler, when I didn't have to identify my snakes and scorpions, and she did it (although reluctantly on my end, lol) for me.
So, what did I learn? That I'm stronger at times than I want to believe that I am. That, in spite of a few days of loneliness and uncertainty, I need to go back to facing forward. That, even though I hate this current path I'm on, there is no other path for me at the moment. So my options include walking forward, staying stagnant, or going backward. And, as much as two of those sound heavenly, I know what I need to do. I know what steps I need to take to, in essence, take broader steps on this journey. Am I scared? Yes. Am I doubtful? Yes. But, I'm lacing up my sneakers, and I'm looking out for those snakes and scorpions.
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