It's been such a long time since I put any thoughts down on my blog! And, not for lack of thoughts, but more like lack of time. Trying to balance so many plates at one time usually means one or two fall by the waste side. I hate resolutions, but I....resolve to put more of my thoughts on this blog to share.
This post could be about a lot of things-a recap of my year, a hope for the promise of next year, a love letter/thank you note to all that matter to me, but honestly, I wanna write something to the month of December.
This is my favorite month of the year. And not just because it's my birthday month. Although it's cold out and there's usually snow in NYC, the month of December gives me a warm feeling like no other. December 1st has always felt like a New Awakening for me, and I always feel like a little piece of who I am is so different 31 days later when the month ends. If a month can move that much progress in me, surely you can understand why New Years resolutions and things seem to be too much, lol.
As a city girl, the whole place is buzzing with people and noise and holiday music and beautiful lights. There are new delicious holiday treats and drinks (don't judge me) designed to fill you up and warm your heart. People are preparing to spend time with the people they love the most in the world, and laughter is shared and new memories are made all month long.
The past few Decembers haven't been some of my all time best, but even when I was at my saddest point, I couldn't resist listening to a little Christmas music, stopping to see decorations in different areas of the city, and even watching children take pictures with Santa Claus. It all brings back memories of sweet days gone by. This year was the best out of the last 3 Decembers, and I think that signals a change in myself. Not for the better. Just for the manageable.
People always say the past year was like a roller coaster but for me, it really was! I felt like I was on Kingda Ka out here in '11--I was up, then stable, then down, the low, then LOWER, then stable, then low again, and finally stable till I reached a manageable high for me. It wasn't easy, but at least towards the end I was able to enjoy the ride.
So, on this last day of my favorite month of the year, I look back on some of the things that gave me the perspective I plan on taking forward for the next 11 months of my rebirth--the highs and lows of my job, my successes with my students, the bonds I have made and cultivated with good new friends and kept with great old friends, the growth and learning process I am on regarding my romantic relationships, the dedication and resolve I have shown stepping out of my comfort zone a little more, the work that I have put in to add fitness to my life more often, and the maturity I have acquired on my way to celebrating my 30th birthday last week. I may not have had everyone with me that I wanted, but I enjoyed my day immensely still. All of these things helped me prepare for another year of whatever may come-good, bad or indifferent.
So, December, I bid you farewell, and await my stories on growth and maturity in the months to come.
Happy New Year!!!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Hearts Are Like Doors in That Way....
Some people think vulnerability is easy to detect. If someone is crying, frustrated or showing any deep level of emotion, it is taken to mean that they are open enough to express the affairs of their heart. But, what if showing vulnerability doesn't manifest itself in those ways? What if it's simply in an act of kindness, in doing one thing differently today than your would have yesterday, when your heart was a little more closed off, a little more colder than it is today?
Often times, we look for big signs to determine that things are changing in the world around us: leaves changing, temps dropping and sunlight depleting are the things we need to notice Fall is in the air. We never notice the subtle signs of summer leaving us until it's all but gone. But, if we perhaps ever really stopped to notice all around us, it might be apparent in mid-August that the seasonal change is truly upon us. I suppose it is the same way in relationships. Huge declarations, gifts and proclamations are what we look at to determine the milestones in our lives. But, what about those little moments, you know, the ones we take for granted? Aren't those the signs that big changes are upon us, the people around us, or perhaps even ourselves? Aren't their small ways to show that our own hearts are warming, even if it's just a little bit?
Sometimes, a door can't go from completely open to completely closed. It has to be unlocked, the knob has to be turned, and sometimes it has to crack open, ever....so...gently...until you notice that it is fully open again, ready to be walked through. Hmm.....I guess....
Often times, we look for big signs to determine that things are changing in the world around us: leaves changing, temps dropping and sunlight depleting are the things we need to notice Fall is in the air. We never notice the subtle signs of summer leaving us until it's all but gone. But, if we perhaps ever really stopped to notice all around us, it might be apparent in mid-August that the seasonal change is truly upon us. I suppose it is the same way in relationships. Huge declarations, gifts and proclamations are what we look at to determine the milestones in our lives. But, what about those little moments, you know, the ones we take for granted? Aren't those the signs that big changes are upon us, the people around us, or perhaps even ourselves? Aren't their small ways to show that our own hearts are warming, even if it's just a little bit?
Sometimes, a door can't go from completely open to completely closed. It has to be unlocked, the knob has to be turned, and sometimes it has to crack open, ever....so...gently...until you notice that it is fully open again, ready to be walked through. Hmm.....I guess....
Friday, September 30, 2011
It's been a long time...
It's been a while since I've blogged, and not for lack of ideas, but moreso for lack of time. Now that school is back in, I've been running through the gamut of emotions, from happy to excited to thoughtful....then tired, sad and scared. It seems as though this year is going to be a challenging one for me, and definitely a learning experience.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Ay yo Sexy...
This post may seem like more of a ramble than a story, but here goes:
Last Sunday, after a particularly sad lunch, I found myself in Union Square running errands. As I passed by a group of men, I heard a few of them saying the usual: "Hello miss. Ooh, you so sexy. Heyyy mama." Already sad, pissed, hurt and vulnerable, I went past them into the store, knowing I would see them on my way out. After I made my purchases and headed back out into the rain, I braced myself for the cat calls. In recent years it seems as though women have had to learn to brace themselves and be prepared to be addressed when passing men (of any age). But this time, instead of quietly walking by and holding in my disgust, I turned to the main offender, stopped in my tracks, and stared at him. He was a bit taken aback at first, but then finally, he continued the cat calls directly. As I stared at him, I asked him what he was doing. To which he responded, "I'm just tryna tell you that chu look goood, mama! You sexy!" I thanked him for his compliment, and even informed him that I appreciate the acknowledgement, since I work hard to look good, but I also asked him if there was possibly another, more respectful way to show his appreciation. He stared at me, bewildered almost, and confused. "But...i jus wanted you to know that you look good...I ain't mean no harm by it sweetheart...I was jus tryna compliment you....." he trailed off. I asked, "And, I understand what you were TRYING to do, but do you know how uncomfortable that is from MY perspective? How many women do you think have to brace themselves before walking through a crowd of men, for fear of being treated like a piece of meat? Why do you think I'm wearing headphones?"
After my mini monologue, he and his friends looked at each other, nodded, then looked back to me solemnly. The ring leader then said, "I can see that. I'm sorry.....I didn't even think of it that way." As I thanked them all for listening to me respectfully, I walked away feeling a little lighter, and even a little encouraged.
Imagine if every young girl/woman who felt disrespected in one way or another found a way to get the boys to understand how they felt, how unflattering and even hurtful it is to be treated like a piece of meat. In fact, a week and a half ago there was a blog on Essence.com about this very thing Seen here. And, it just got me to thinking-wouldn't the world be a better place if we could start training our young boys to treat women/girls with more respect? And, if we teach our girls that they don't have to stand for any form of uncomfortable behavior-in relationships or in the street, gradually our boys and men will have no choice to treat us with nothing but respect at all times. Now, that's sexy.
Last Sunday, after a particularly sad lunch, I found myself in Union Square running errands. As I passed by a group of men, I heard a few of them saying the usual: "Hello miss. Ooh, you so sexy. Heyyy mama." Already sad, pissed, hurt and vulnerable, I went past them into the store, knowing I would see them on my way out. After I made my purchases and headed back out into the rain, I braced myself for the cat calls. In recent years it seems as though women have had to learn to brace themselves and be prepared to be addressed when passing men (of any age). But this time, instead of quietly walking by and holding in my disgust, I turned to the main offender, stopped in my tracks, and stared at him. He was a bit taken aback at first, but then finally, he continued the cat calls directly. As I stared at him, I asked him what he was doing. To which he responded, "I'm just tryna tell you that chu look goood, mama! You sexy!" I thanked him for his compliment, and even informed him that I appreciate the acknowledgement, since I work hard to look good, but I also asked him if there was possibly another, more respectful way to show his appreciation. He stared at me, bewildered almost, and confused. "But...i jus wanted you to know that you look good...I ain't mean no harm by it sweetheart...I was jus tryna compliment you....." he trailed off. I asked, "And, I understand what you were TRYING to do, but do you know how uncomfortable that is from MY perspective? How many women do you think have to brace themselves before walking through a crowd of men, for fear of being treated like a piece of meat? Why do you think I'm wearing headphones?"
After my mini monologue, he and his friends looked at each other, nodded, then looked back to me solemnly. The ring leader then said, "I can see that. I'm sorry.....I didn't even think of it that way." As I thanked them all for listening to me respectfully, I walked away feeling a little lighter, and even a little encouraged.
Imagine if every young girl/woman who felt disrespected in one way or another found a way to get the boys to understand how they felt, how unflattering and even hurtful it is to be treated like a piece of meat. In fact, a week and a half ago there was a blog on Essence.com about this very thing Seen here. And, it just got me to thinking-wouldn't the world be a better place if we could start training our young boys to treat women/girls with more respect? And, if we teach our girls that they don't have to stand for any form of uncomfortable behavior-in relationships or in the street, gradually our boys and men will have no choice to treat us with nothing but respect at all times. Now, that's sexy.
Friday, August 12, 2011
All My Single Ladies.....?
Bear with me people, I am having a moment. I am hating being single right now. It actually just hit me, about two hours ago while I was washing my hair. Actually, it truly hit me a few hours before, while I was out. I was in one of those big "Whole Foods"-y like stores that have begun to pop up all over Brooklyn now, and I had a flashback to me and my last boyfriend going to one of those stores to buy ice cream and fresh fruit and healthy snacks to combat the ice cream. It was a fleeting pang, and it went away fairly quickly. But, later, when I got home, another wave of sadness hit me. I don't know what it was about washing my hair that made me hate being single, but something in that moment did. Then, as I come out to dry my hair and clean up my place a little, what video do I see on MTV? You guessed it, "Single Ladies". I couldn't make this shit up. LOL
I've had conversations with friends in the past about how much a abhor that video and song. Beyonce really did a number on chicks, getting them to think that if they swing their right hand sassily in their mans' face he will in fact "put a ring on it". Simply because he likes it. Ha ha ha, oh, if the world was just that simple! Fact is, most of us don't have the luxury of being in a relationship with a 40+ year old rapper who is ready to settle down with one of the most successful women in the world. We are regular goddesses, living our regular glamorous lives trying to keep everything all together. There are plenty of men who might like it, but they are not ready to put a ring on it.
But, I'm not looking for all that anymore anyway. Fact is, it just kinda sucks spending 60 percent of your time alone. And aside from family, best friends and new experiences, at some point there are moments when you realize that you are by yourself. Now, there are plenty of times when I embrace this feeling, and I welcome being by myself and enjoying my own company (blog on THAT coming soon), but tonight, I just felt the pain of the lonlieness.
More so than missing the EX I think I'm just kinda missing being a part of a couple, which I think is something we all go through. What's so great about that damn song is that everyone sings along to it, and when you do you feel like you're a part of a sorority of women who all feel the same way you do. It's kinda like what it's like to be in a relationship, a part of a special group with inside jokes, special foods, places and memories you share with that one person. But, when all that ends, what do you do with all that relationship stuff? What is the best way to deal with those feelings? Getting over any relationship takes a while. Riding out the pain of figuring out life after a loss is tough. And, I should know, since this is my second loss in two years. I suppose the thing that helps the most is keeping busy, embracing the good feelings with the bad, and working through them whenever possible. I just wish Beyonce didn't try to make us single chicks feel better with that catchy ass song. *sigh*
I've had conversations with friends in the past about how much a abhor that video and song. Beyonce really did a number on chicks, getting them to think that if they swing their right hand sassily in their mans' face he will in fact "put a ring on it". Simply because he likes it. Ha ha ha, oh, if the world was just that simple! Fact is, most of us don't have the luxury of being in a relationship with a 40+ year old rapper who is ready to settle down with one of the most successful women in the world. We are regular goddesses, living our regular glamorous lives trying to keep everything all together. There are plenty of men who might like it, but they are not ready to put a ring on it.
But, I'm not looking for all that anymore anyway. Fact is, it just kinda sucks spending 60 percent of your time alone. And aside from family, best friends and new experiences, at some point there are moments when you realize that you are by yourself. Now, there are plenty of times when I embrace this feeling, and I welcome being by myself and enjoying my own company (blog on THAT coming soon), but tonight, I just felt the pain of the lonlieness.
More so than missing the EX I think I'm just kinda missing being a part of a couple, which I think is something we all go through. What's so great about that damn song is that everyone sings along to it, and when you do you feel like you're a part of a sorority of women who all feel the same way you do. It's kinda like what it's like to be in a relationship, a part of a special group with inside jokes, special foods, places and memories you share with that one person. But, when all that ends, what do you do with all that relationship stuff? What is the best way to deal with those feelings? Getting over any relationship takes a while. Riding out the pain of figuring out life after a loss is tough. And, I should know, since this is my second loss in two years. I suppose the thing that helps the most is keeping busy, embracing the good feelings with the bad, and working through them whenever possible. I just wish Beyonce didn't try to make us single chicks feel better with that catchy ass song. *sigh*
Monday, August 8, 2011
Maybe if I get this out of my head I can sleep........
Last week while I was out, I met a gentleman who informed me that he had a blog on relationships. So since I've just started out in this blog world, I figured I'd check his out. Turns out, he had a blog post entitled "A Wall of Emotion" (check it out here) where he talks about a very common theme....the walls we put up after we get our hearts broken. It's a remarkable post, and it got me to thinking about me and my life and my current situation. To say that I have a wall up would be a tremendous understatement. There is an entire gated community surrounding me right now, with no indication of moving. We've all been in this situation before, and it's never easy.
Most people after they get their hearts broken say that they'll never love again, they'll just throw themselves into work or family or something, ANYthing, that doesn't make them feel as bad as they do at that moment. But, usually, they become introspective, find and immerse themselves in hobbies, and one day, they'll find that their hearts are open again and as India sang, Ready for Love.
As I stated, I'm just entering the middle stage of my "wall process". Sadness is slowly moving out of my heart as anger is moving in and settling in for the long haul. Bitterness is rooming with anger, but it's in a "rent with an option to buy" lease, and for now, I'm okay with that. I'm a firm believer in feeling your emotions, and living in them, no matter what anyone else thinks about them. If I want to be bitter for 6 months, that's my right. If I want to hate my ex for 5 years, I will. There's no rule book on this stuff. Even though I'm fully aware that in a lot of cases holding on to these emotions get in the way of healing and moving on, I believe in exhausting all of your hurt, sadness and pain, so none of it becomes repressed and pops up later on. Sometimes, when we know it's time to move past these feelings and we can't, a good support system in our lives helps us get through.
I think what I need to work through is figuring out what happens next for me. Some days, I'm SO good, and I'm so past him and his bullshit, and I'm so confident. And other days I'm lost, wondering how shitty of a person was I that someone could fall out of love with me. Until I find some sort of clarity, my emotions are just gonna be clouded, and I somehow have to make peace with that. After all, I'm only human, and it's not as if I don't have good days, good family and good friends around me for support.
I'm rambling, and I have no idea where this post is going, but getting back to the blog posted earlier, I'm not sure I can every really remove my walls again.I may be able to put all the hurt behind me, but I can't see myself wanting to go through another relationship again. People say that I'm young and time heals all wounds, and while all that is certainly true, I feel like it would take a lot to get me back out on the line. I'm not afraid of being vulnerable and giving my all to someone. I've proven on many occasions that I can do it, and at times I've even enjoyed it. So, that's not really the issue. I'm just afraid of what someone would do with my all once they have it. It's that uncertainty that I think will cause me to never get back on that ledge again. That last fall left too many bruises for me to want to attempt another jump.
Most people after they get their hearts broken say that they'll never love again, they'll just throw themselves into work or family or something, ANYthing, that doesn't make them feel as bad as they do at that moment. But, usually, they become introspective, find and immerse themselves in hobbies, and one day, they'll find that their hearts are open again and as India sang, Ready for Love.
As I stated, I'm just entering the middle stage of my "wall process". Sadness is slowly moving out of my heart as anger is moving in and settling in for the long haul. Bitterness is rooming with anger, but it's in a "rent with an option to buy" lease, and for now, I'm okay with that. I'm a firm believer in feeling your emotions, and living in them, no matter what anyone else thinks about them. If I want to be bitter for 6 months, that's my right. If I want to hate my ex for 5 years, I will. There's no rule book on this stuff. Even though I'm fully aware that in a lot of cases holding on to these emotions get in the way of healing and moving on, I believe in exhausting all of your hurt, sadness and pain, so none of it becomes repressed and pops up later on. Sometimes, when we know it's time to move past these feelings and we can't, a good support system in our lives helps us get through.
I think what I need to work through is figuring out what happens next for me. Some days, I'm SO good, and I'm so past him and his bullshit, and I'm so confident. And other days I'm lost, wondering how shitty of a person was I that someone could fall out of love with me. Until I find some sort of clarity, my emotions are just gonna be clouded, and I somehow have to make peace with that. After all, I'm only human, and it's not as if I don't have good days, good family and good friends around me for support.
I'm rambling, and I have no idea where this post is going, but getting back to the blog posted earlier, I'm not sure I can every really remove my walls again.I may be able to put all the hurt behind me, but I can't see myself wanting to go through another relationship again. People say that I'm young and time heals all wounds, and while all that is certainly true, I feel like it would take a lot to get me back out on the line. I'm not afraid of being vulnerable and giving my all to someone. I've proven on many occasions that I can do it, and at times I've even enjoyed it. So, that's not really the issue. I'm just afraid of what someone would do with my all once they have it. It's that uncertainty that I think will cause me to never get back on that ledge again. That last fall left too many bruises for me to want to attempt another jump.
Friday, August 5, 2011
In case of Emergency....
Again, as I start this, I am marveling at the "blog culture" I am delving into. I'm in a Starbucks (in a Barnes and Noble) using free wireless on my laptop...life is funny.
I got this idea for this post from an article I read on Essence.com yesterday. The article, which you can click here and read, was entitled "Would You Love Yourself Enough to Leave?", and it was about the ending of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's marriage. In this article, Jenny Lo stated, "Sometimes we don't realize we are compromising ourselves. To understand that a person is not good for you, or that that person is not treating you in the right way, or that he is not doing the right thing for himself -- if I stay, then I am not doing the right thing for me. I love myself to walk away from that now."
The article also continued to talk about how people, many women, put everyone else's needs, thoughts, ideals, realities and expectations in front of their own, to the point where their own view becomes skewed, and they end up staying in situations that they ultimately know are not good for them. Reading that made me think. I any other situation, if a human being finds themselves in a dangerous situation, the only rational decision is to remove themselves. If a truck is barreling towards you, you wouldn't think "I'm gonna stay here in the street for my kids", or "What would me church members think if I ran out of the way of this truck?" We know what's right in those emergencies, and we don't think twice about acting on it. But, when it comes to emotional emergencies, why is it that we don't give ourselves the same leeway?
One situation that blurs the line of my previous example is any type of abuse. A person in an emotionally unstable relationship, even while knowing how detrimental it can be to them, may not always act in their best interest, due to their emotional ties to the situation. But, when are we (especially women) going to get to a point when we can see an emergency for and emergency and take care of ourselves first?
On a flight, one of the safety precautions we are given that we have heard countless times is, "In case of emergency, please secure your oxygen mask before securing a child or fellow passengers'" Ironically, we won't apply that simple logic to our own lives. I was brought up to believe that the person who cares the least in the relationship has the power, and that you should find a man that loves you a little more than you love him. As I get older, and as I have seen things in my own life, I realize the many flaws in those beliefs and how detrimental their are to ever achieving a healthy relationship. While it's important to give all you have to a relationship, I am a firm believer that if I can't take care of myself, I am no good in being able to take care of anyone else. If I can't be in tune with what I need, how can I be altruistic enough to give what I have to anyone else?
Some may see this a a kind of selfish way of living, a kind of closed off view of giving all in a relationship. But, I feel like it's the complete opposite. To be able to truly know and understand love and caring for another person, I have to be well enough to receive those feelings. And, if I'm not taking care of myself enough to even realize what I need, how can I possibly know what I'm giving?
I guess what I'm saying is, as difficult as Jennifer Lopez's decision was, I can completely understand her reason for making it. Instead of quietly sitting back and watch the father of her children make decisions that she is not comfortable with, she spoke up early, not only for herself, but for her whole family. And, even though she probably knew that speaking up might not have stopped Marc from doing whatever he was doing, it seems as if she felt like she had an obligation to put herself first, before the fear, doubt and complacency set in that would cloud her view and leave her resentful, angry, and in an unhappy marriage. So many of us carry those feelings of doubt, fear and complacency in our heads and our hearts. But, at some point, we are all confronted with a crossroads-save yourself or sacrifice for others. In case of emergency, what would you do?
I got this idea for this post from an article I read on Essence.com yesterday. The article, which you can click here and read, was entitled "Would You Love Yourself Enough to Leave?", and it was about the ending of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's marriage. In this article, Jenny Lo stated, "Sometimes we don't realize we are compromising ourselves. To understand that a person is not good for you, or that that person is not treating you in the right way, or that he is not doing the right thing for himself -- if I stay, then I am not doing the right thing for me. I love myself to walk away from that now."
The article also continued to talk about how people, many women, put everyone else's needs, thoughts, ideals, realities and expectations in front of their own, to the point where their own view becomes skewed, and they end up staying in situations that they ultimately know are not good for them. Reading that made me think. I any other situation, if a human being finds themselves in a dangerous situation, the only rational decision is to remove themselves. If a truck is barreling towards you, you wouldn't think "I'm gonna stay here in the street for my kids", or "What would me church members think if I ran out of the way of this truck?" We know what's right in those emergencies, and we don't think twice about acting on it. But, when it comes to emotional emergencies, why is it that we don't give ourselves the same leeway?
One situation that blurs the line of my previous example is any type of abuse. A person in an emotionally unstable relationship, even while knowing how detrimental it can be to them, may not always act in their best interest, due to their emotional ties to the situation. But, when are we (especially women) going to get to a point when we can see an emergency for and emergency and take care of ourselves first?
On a flight, one of the safety precautions we are given that we have heard countless times is, "In case of emergency, please secure your oxygen mask before securing a child or fellow passengers'" Ironically, we won't apply that simple logic to our own lives. I was brought up to believe that the person who cares the least in the relationship has the power, and that you should find a man that loves you a little more than you love him. As I get older, and as I have seen things in my own life, I realize the many flaws in those beliefs and how detrimental their are to ever achieving a healthy relationship. While it's important to give all you have to a relationship, I am a firm believer that if I can't take care of myself, I am no good in being able to take care of anyone else. If I can't be in tune with what I need, how can I be altruistic enough to give what I have to anyone else?
Some may see this a a kind of selfish way of living, a kind of closed off view of giving all in a relationship. But, I feel like it's the complete opposite. To be able to truly know and understand love and caring for another person, I have to be well enough to receive those feelings. And, if I'm not taking care of myself enough to even realize what I need, how can I possibly know what I'm giving?
I guess what I'm saying is, as difficult as Jennifer Lopez's decision was, I can completely understand her reason for making it. Instead of quietly sitting back and watch the father of her children make decisions that she is not comfortable with, she spoke up early, not only for herself, but for her whole family. And, even though she probably knew that speaking up might not have stopped Marc from doing whatever he was doing, it seems as if she felt like she had an obligation to put herself first, before the fear, doubt and complacency set in that would cloud her view and leave her resentful, angry, and in an unhappy marriage. So many of us carry those feelings of doubt, fear and complacency in our heads and our hearts. But, at some point, we are all confronted with a crossroads-save yourself or sacrifice for others. In case of emergency, what would you do?
Monday, August 1, 2011
Snakes and Scorpions
First, I'd like to say that I think it's so cool that I'm blogging while playing Jill Scott and Beyonce's new albums (not simultaneously, obviously). They are both really speaking to me right now.
Snakes and Scorpions. This came from my pastor's sermon yesterday. She got this from a reading from a story in Luke Chapter 10. As soon as she described what a snake was, I immediately felt like I could relate. I forgot her description of the scorpion, because I was so taken by the snake metaphor. It seems as though I'm dealing with two snakes at the moment, one personally and one professionally.
My professional snake is only going to make my work harder this next school year. I tend to be really lax when it comes to being really brash and overly aggressive, and I tend to let things slide more than I guess I should. Next year is going to be a challenge for me. To really keep up with my paperwork, be accountable for my actions every step of the way, and to really focus on not just working with my kids, but improving my practice on a whole. It's a challenge, and although I'm lazy, I feel like it's time for me to step up to it. Of course, that has something to do with my personal snake...
I'm gonna have a lot more time on my hands this fall. Being single does that for a girl. And, as much as I prided myself on not being one of those chicks that needs a man or laments being single, I miss my security. I miss always having the option of seeing movies, going to restaurants and making plans with a person. And granted, while I have learned the value of branching out, making great friends and having great moments with fabulous other people, I still miss it. I got spoiled. By a snake. He was sweet and all, but still a snake. I was sold into a sense of someone being there with me for the rest of my life, no matter how rough it got (and I DID make it rough). That in turn is what makes a snake. And, even though I also played a hand in how things played out, I feel like I the person I thought I was with was not the actual person in my life all that time. It couldn't have been. But, by going through all this I had to learn the hard way that the only truly dependable person I have is me. And that means that sometimes I have to make really difficult decisions and place myself in situations that may make me uncomfortable, sad, and even lonely at times. But, it's the direction my life is in right now. So, for every time I crane my neck to miss something behind me, I throw three things in front of me to keep me facing forward. Cause that what I have to do now. Move forward.
I sometimes wonder if my anger will one day subside, if I will ever see things differently. Whether or not I want to is not really the case, but I just wonder if my mind and heart will one day have a different view on this time in my life. I do know that my anger often changes it's focus, and my emotions get so clouded up in me that I can't breathe sometimes. It's a crazy why to feel, but it is where I am right now. On Saturday, I did a Romantic-Comedy double feature by myself because I knew that seeing those movies would stir up stuff in me, so I kinda wanted to be alone to work through it (Plus, I wanted to eat my popcorn without sharing or being judged-another surprising bright side of being single). And, just as I thought, both movies made me think about my life, my choices, and my future. And, in the middle of all that musing, I realized I was walking in yet another neighborhood that my mother exposed me to first, and I yearned for those days again. When my life was simpler, when I didn't have to identify my snakes and scorpions, and she did it (although reluctantly on my end, lol) for me.
So, what did I learn? That I'm stronger at times than I want to believe that I am. That, in spite of a few days of loneliness and uncertainty, I need to go back to facing forward. That, even though I hate this current path I'm on, there is no other path for me at the moment. So my options include walking forward, staying stagnant, or going backward. And, as much as two of those sound heavenly, I know what I need to do. I know what steps I need to take to, in essence, take broader steps on this journey. Am I scared? Yes. Am I doubtful? Yes. But, I'm lacing up my sneakers, and I'm looking out for those snakes and scorpions.
Snakes and Scorpions. This came from my pastor's sermon yesterday. She got this from a reading from a story in Luke Chapter 10. As soon as she described what a snake was, I immediately felt like I could relate. I forgot her description of the scorpion, because I was so taken by the snake metaphor. It seems as though I'm dealing with two snakes at the moment, one personally and one professionally.
My professional snake is only going to make my work harder this next school year. I tend to be really lax when it comes to being really brash and overly aggressive, and I tend to let things slide more than I guess I should. Next year is going to be a challenge for me. To really keep up with my paperwork, be accountable for my actions every step of the way, and to really focus on not just working with my kids, but improving my practice on a whole. It's a challenge, and although I'm lazy, I feel like it's time for me to step up to it. Of course, that has something to do with my personal snake...
I'm gonna have a lot more time on my hands this fall. Being single does that for a girl. And, as much as I prided myself on not being one of those chicks that needs a man or laments being single, I miss my security. I miss always having the option of seeing movies, going to restaurants and making plans with a person. And granted, while I have learned the value of branching out, making great friends and having great moments with fabulous other people, I still miss it. I got spoiled. By a snake. He was sweet and all, but still a snake. I was sold into a sense of someone being there with me for the rest of my life, no matter how rough it got (and I DID make it rough). That in turn is what makes a snake. And, even though I also played a hand in how things played out, I feel like I the person I thought I was with was not the actual person in my life all that time. It couldn't have been. But, by going through all this I had to learn the hard way that the only truly dependable person I have is me. And that means that sometimes I have to make really difficult decisions and place myself in situations that may make me uncomfortable, sad, and even lonely at times. But, it's the direction my life is in right now. So, for every time I crane my neck to miss something behind me, I throw three things in front of me to keep me facing forward. Cause that what I have to do now. Move forward.
I sometimes wonder if my anger will one day subside, if I will ever see things differently. Whether or not I want to is not really the case, but I just wonder if my mind and heart will one day have a different view on this time in my life. I do know that my anger often changes it's focus, and my emotions get so clouded up in me that I can't breathe sometimes. It's a crazy why to feel, but it is where I am right now. On Saturday, I did a Romantic-Comedy double feature by myself because I knew that seeing those movies would stir up stuff in me, so I kinda wanted to be alone to work through it (Plus, I wanted to eat my popcorn without sharing or being judged-another surprising bright side of being single). And, just as I thought, both movies made me think about my life, my choices, and my future. And, in the middle of all that musing, I realized I was walking in yet another neighborhood that my mother exposed me to first, and I yearned for those days again. When my life was simpler, when I didn't have to identify my snakes and scorpions, and she did it (although reluctantly on my end, lol) for me.
So, what did I learn? That I'm stronger at times than I want to believe that I am. That, in spite of a few days of loneliness and uncertainty, I need to go back to facing forward. That, even though I hate this current path I'm on, there is no other path for me at the moment. So my options include walking forward, staying stagnant, or going backward. And, as much as two of those sound heavenly, I know what I need to do. I know what steps I need to take to, in essence, take broader steps on this journey. Am I scared? Yes. Am I doubtful? Yes. But, I'm lacing up my sneakers, and I'm looking out for those snakes and scorpions.
Friday, July 29, 2011
My first Post
Well, I've been thinking about blogging for quite some time now, and finally, I have set up a page. I don't have a particular direction I want this to go in, so we'll see what happens. I have also uploaded some podasts as well. Here goes Nothin'!
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